So you’re thinking about visiting Miami, congratulations! Did the sunny weather, plastic bodies and penchant for debauchery make you want to visit our glorious city? Maybe it was all the reels and posts you see from people standing on the couches at Liv while they pay $1000 for a $35 dollar bottle of liquor make you want to waste your money as if you’re a baller with unlimited funds. Whatever your reason is for visiting Miami, and I’m sure you have the purest intentions when you visit, here are some things to look out for that will help make your stay a memorable one. Well that is if you don’t get blacked out drunk at Liv.
South Beach is not Miami
The biggest misconception when visiting Miami is that South Beach is Miami. South Beach is on Miami Beach which is completely different from Miami. I know ESPN and ABC love to televise Heat games from South Beach, but in reality it’s in Miami. You can take an Uber to South Beach because Miami public transportation is non-existent like the chances of Ron DeSantis of becoming President are.
The Art Deco, the beaches, all the hot spot clubs are on South Beach and not Miami. If you think by coming to Miami you’re going to wake up and the warm sand, topless women and bottomless men will be outside your door, I’m sorry to disappoint you. Miami Beach has all of that not Miami.
And most locals don’t visit South Beach. It’s not worth the hassle or getting shot at during Memorial Day Weekend or any holiday weekend for that matter.
Drive at Your Own Risk
If you don’t have balls of steel and/or quick reflexes, don’t drive in Miami. When I say people drive crazy; I literally mean it.
Besides sitting in traffic most of the time, people in Miami don’t care about you or your wellbeing when they drive. They only care about themselves and getting there as fast as they can. If they’re 4 lanes over on the highway and their exit is passing them by, they will not hesitate to jerk their car across those 4 lanes so they can take the exit. Who cares who they have to run off the road to do it.
Stop signs and yield signs are purely for decoration. And red lights mean you have another 10 seconds to haul ass across the intersection. You are risking your life every time you get behind a wheel in Miami.
And the speed limit is for the tourists. People in Miami think speed limits are a suggestion.
If you use your turn signal then congratulations! You’re probably the only one on the road that does and also we now know who the tourists are driving. Turn signals for us are a sign or weakness.
Yes turn signals are a sign of weakness but we’re not opposed to putting on our hazard lights at the slightest sight of rain on our windshields.
Everyone is Someone Important
People go to LA to make it. People come to Miami to fake it. Everyone comes to Miami to be someone they’re not. Then they eventually stay forever and still pretend to be someone they’re not. So if you’re visiting Miami to pretend to be someone you’re not, then you’re in the right place.
Everyone is a baller living with their parents. That Lambo you see them circling the block in? Well it’s rented and they have to return it in the morning. Just look at the keys in the ignition with the big ass keychain for their rented car.
Everyone is a promoter, a DJ or knows someone who can get you into the hottest spots. Everyone has the hookup and the velvet ropes part for them every time. In reality they just work there, but hey they have to look important.
Let me not forget all the pretty Instagram influencers with their Fashion Nova or Shein sponsored clothing with their 250k bought users acting like they’re some celebrity because they get passed around more than a hot potato. Always taking selfies with a green leafy backdrop with a neon sign on it. They might be making duck lips for the selfies but later those lips are going to be flapping around something else. Someone has to pay for their fake lifestyle right?
Scams and the Scammers
And the biggest scam in Miami is the privatized parking. These people make their parking signs look legit and owned by the city but they’re nothing more than thieves. They’ll charge you $30-45 an hour to park and they have lots in all the “hot spots in Miami.” Avoid them. They’re quick to charge you crazy prices and the second, literal second, you go over your time limit they will slap a ticket on your windshield.
And if you don’t pay their outrageous ticket prices they pretend to send your ticket to a collections agency which is nothing more than the same scammers who own the parking lots, “own” the collections department. They try to scare you into paying, but those tickets will never go on your credit report. However if you don’t pay and go to another one of their lots, they’ll either boot your car or tow you. Either way they’re going to take you to the cleaners.
And in Miami, everyone has a scam, I mean hustle. They’re always looking for new ways to take your money and lord knows what else.
And if you think those two hot women want to go back to your hotel for a kinky threesome, the only one getting screwed is you. Those pros will drug you, take your money and valuables and all you’ll be left with is, well nothing because they took it all.
Cops, Criminals and Politicians
In Miami if you want to tell a cop, criminal or politician apart; you can’t because they all look alike. The cops are dirty. The criminals become politicians and vice versa. You’d have a better chance of Stevie Wonder passing a blind taste test than you would trying to figure out who is who. Then again Stevie Wonder has all those kids so he has to see what he’s been doing.
And the irony of all this is that all these people are in cahoots together. The criminals bribe politicians. The politicians use the cops to do their dirty work and the cops rip off the criminals. It’s one big circle jerk and they all can’t stop coming together. They’re all dirtier than the sewage water that goes into Biscayne Bay.
Tourist Traps to Avoid
Café Versailles
With Café Versailles the only thing shittier than the food are their political views. I know they like to tout themselves as the World’s Most Famous Cuban Restaurant, but in reality they’re talking about their world view and it’s really small honestly. Of course if there is a Cuban protest they seem to be the go to place for the news to report from. Just wish the news would report all the health inspection violations that probably occur there.
If you’re looking for the best Cuban cuisine in Miami, you can go to the any of the 30 Latin America Cafes in Hialeah and get better food and better prices without all the extra baggage that accompanies Café Versailles.
Wynwood
What is a trip to Miami if you don’t visit all the hip artsy spots like Wynwood. If overpriced food, drinks and parking while looking at all the yuppie influencers take selfies at every mural is your thing than Wynwood is for you. Wynwood was once the hot spot but then gentrification kicked in and so did all the prices.
At least in Wynwood there are more than one way to get robbed. If it’s not the “art dealers” robbing you it’s the criminals looking for an easy target. And watch out for all the strung out homeless junkies walking the streets like zombies from the Walking Dead.
Midtown Miami
Another spot that was fun until the yuppies got a hold of it and decided to price everyone else out. Now it’s just nothing but overpriced restaurants with names that no one can pronounce which means they’re allowed to charge out the ass prices. Even the HomeGoods and Target stores there are overpriced. Of course people have been fighting Wal-Mart for years because they think adding a Wal-Mart would cheapen the area. Too late.
Bayside
The biggest tourist trap is Bayside. I mean they have a Bubba Gump restaurant from Christ’s sake. What doesn’t scream touristy than a freaking Bubba Gump restaurant? Bayside is nothing more than an outdoor mall with mall food quality and people trying to get you to take picture with parrots for $40. If getting harassed by panhandlers and the homeless are your thing, then by all means visit Bayside.
And if you’re visiting Miami during Ultra, which is at Bayside, you can always watch the tweaked out kids humping trees and pissing all over the streets and cars with their glowsticks in their mouths or other orifices.
Hopefully now when you think about visiting Miami you have a better understanding of where not to go and what not to do. And if you want to stay on South Beach look for hotels on Miami Beach not Miami. And make sure to keep your money and dignity close to you at all times because there is always someone waiting to take them.
Photo courtesy of JC Ruiz Photography
